David Foster Wallace delivered a timeless commencement speech called “This is Water” in 2005 to Kenyon College. His speech addresses the value of education, self-awareness, thinking, and the default setting of the unconscious mind. His advice is simple, but his words stick with you.
I’d like to share a few of my favorite quotes from his speech and my thoughts on them.
I’d also highly recommend listening to the entire speech. You can listen to it on YouTube.
The Fish Story
“There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says ‘Morning, boys. How’s the water?’ And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes ‘What the hell is water?’
The point of the fish story is merely that the most obvious, important realities are often the ones that are hardest to see and talk about.”
It is easy to take things in our lives for granted. For instance, our thoughts determine much of what happens in our lives and how we feel. They even shape the outcomes in our lives. Yet, they are invisible.
Our mindset and beliefs influence our thoughts. And our thoughts influence our actions. Our mindset, beliefs, and thoughts are all abstract concepts, but they have a real impact on our lives.
Thoughts are like water. They are hard to see, so we have to constantly remind ourselves how important they are.
Staying aware of our thoughts is easier said than done. Let’s follow along with Nancy and Patty to see how their thoughts influence how they respond in a real-life situation.
Control What You Think
“Learning how to think really means learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think. It means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience.”
If our thoughts shape our outcomes and feelings, it is vital that we learn to control them.
Nancy and Patty are both waiting in the airport for their flight home. Storms have already delayed their flight once and the gate agent announces that their flight will be delayed another three hours.
Nancy rolls her eyes. ‘Of course, I would get delayed again,’ she thinks. She marches up to the gate agent, annoyed at all the people in her way. She asks, “What are you doing to get me home? Don’t you realize I have important places to be?” Unsatisfied with the response, she heads back to her seat. ‘What a waste of my time, the airline should always be on time,’ she complains to herself. She sits there stewing about how unfair the whole situation is.
Patty realizes that the storms are out of her control. She knows that she could get frustrated about the delays, but that won’t help. ‘I’m sure everyone else here wishes the flight wasn’t delayed as well,’ she thinks. While Patty isn’t in control of the delay, she is in control of her thoughts. She can consciously choose ways to think that aren’t annoying or miserable. The delay could be an opportunity to get some food, call friends, or read a book.
Patty has learned how to control her thoughts, while Nancy is stuck in her natural default way of thinking. Both are experiencing the same situation, but their mindset and thoughts drive them to react differently.
The Default Setting
“It’s a matter of my choosing to do the work of somehow altering or getting free of my natural, hard-wired default setting which is to be deeply and literally self-centered and to see and interpret everything through this lens of self.”
Nancy’s reaction to the flight delay was all about herself. She didn’t think to consider other possibilities that weren’t annoying like Patty did.
Why do we often just accept our default setting? Simply, it’s easier. Thinking this way is so automatic that we don’t have to consciously choose how to think.
Choosing to look at life differently is difficult. It takes work and empathy. Consciously choosing to consider other possibilities requires that we interrupt our automatic way of thinking.
For Patty, her thinking may look like this: ‘The delay is unfortunate, but I know the airline wants to make sure we all get to our destination safely. I’m sure they are doing everything they can.’
Thinking this way isn’t a moral imperative. It’s okay if there are times you’re just not up to considering other possibilities. Everyone has those days.
However, David Foster Wallace said, “Most days, if you’re aware enough to give yourself a choice, you can choose to look differently.”
Decide What Has Meaning
“The only thing that’s capital-T True is that you get to decide how you’re gonna try to see it… You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn’t.”
Choosing to look at things differently liberates us from a life of unconscious misery, living on autopilot.
We can reframe how we think. We have the power to control how we see the world.
This requires awareness. If we are not aware of how we are choosing to think in the first place, we cannot change our thoughts. We must first pay attention to our thoughts so we can decide what to think.
Even Nancy can change how she thinks. While she is waiting in the airport and after her initial frustration subsides, she begins to look around. She notices that some people look annoyed and are constantly complaining. But she notices others look happy and relaxed.
The woman sitting across from her is reading a book and looks at ease. Nancy asks why she isn’t annoyed at the delay like so many others around them.
Patty looks up and says, “Well I’m not happy about the delay, but I know there is nothing I can do about it. Getting upset is just going to make waiting miserable so I choose to think differently. Whenever I find myself in situations like this I have to remind myself to be aware of my thoughts and then consciously choose how I want to think. For example, I now have more time to read my book before I get home. It all starts with paying attention to my thoughts.”
Nancy thanked Patty for her perspective and sat back into her chair to think. She’d never stopped to consider other possibilities before, but the idea felt powerful. Nancy thought, ‘If I change the way I think I can change the way I feel. Instead of complaining, how can I make the most of my situation?’
Once Nancy became aware of how she was thinking she could choose to reframe her thoughts in a more positive way.
Understanding how to think gives us real freedom over our lives.